Trying
I want to write but all I really have to write or think about is my own misery right now - so I guess that's what I will do.
Very few people actually listen or try to understand my pain. I don't mean this to start a pity party. I think more so, I would just like some documentation that shows I am trying to get better so that my life stops feeling like a waste.
I am 23 and I feel like I have wasted my life so far, I feel as though it has been stolen from me by circumstance and by OCD/other mental illness. Every choice or accomplishment I have achieved has been informed by my own mental illness or some sort of trauma/external factors. I feel as though I have made very few of my own choices.
The only way people usually seem to relate to me is in past tense, that they used to feel like this. But I don't really believe that anyone else has felt like this, because the only advice I am given is to like myself and try to live for myself.
None of my interest, hobbies, or skills matter in a way that is my own to hold. They have all been tainted or taken by something.
I not only just do not enjoy doing anything, but most things I do make me feel this disgusting guilt and shame. That I can not do it right enough. Even writing this I am fighting past a feeling of just utter disgust at myself, at my wasted time, and how little of a person I am.
I only have a handful of friends and ,,, they really do not make an effort to care about me or understand me in a way that ever feels like I have been held. It always feels like I am treated like stain following them around. That I haven't done enough to deserve being an equal yet.
I've always been left behind socially.
I am truly at a point where very little is making me cling to life and not suicide.
I am only really writing this in a hope my pain can at least live, somewhere. And that maybe someone else might get it.
I have a slight hope I will get better, but even if I were to get better tomorrow it will never wipe the stain of this wasted time off of my being and my soul. I will always be playing catch up to peers who look down upon me. I will always just be this mental illness is one way or another.
My only real way of trying for now is to not die.
Hopefully I can write this day by day so that,,, my recovery can maybe mean something? or else my pain and death can be recorded in a way.