Musing on work (diary #4)
I really like having routines and rituals built into every part of my life. I fear and hate change a lot. At least change out of my control.
I would love for a time in my life where things could sit still for a little while. It feels like things are always moving so fast.
I'm trying to manually slow myself down. To appreciate what I have in front of me. My partner, my friendships, my cats, my collections.
It is really hard not having a job and not being able to get a job at the moment. I'm working on it. I have guilt over not making money and guilt when I am making money. Such is my OCD I suppose.
I'm currently writing on a tiny chromebook my partner put linux mint on. This is honestly the best way I have been able to get over my own blocks and just start writing.
I enjoy writing these little entries because it is a lowstakes way to just share my thoughts and get over my nerves of posting online again. So writing on my little laptop, from my living room, on my silly site is something.
Related to that - I very much feel that I have kind of regressed skill wise and just as a person. Maybe part of that's from living with my parents again as an adult. But I used to be able to write so much, and share it, and publish it, and I had people around me who wanted me too. I miss that, and I don't really know how to get it back.
I am trying to hold onto hope, and even if I don't have any particular strong/solid ideas for projects right now I just want to see what happens.