Absence (diary #3)
I woke up at noon today. One of those kind of days. But for the first time in a while I tried not to dwell on sleeping in too late.
Usually waking up late ruins the rest of my day. The guilt of it seeps through me, and it feels like it has poisoned the rest of any productivity.
But today I woke up late, and I made a late breakfast and iced lattes for myself and my roommates.
I had the urge to paint so I let myself start a painting. It's been a bit since I have felt inspired by anything so I'm glad to just have a start.
I've been trying to draw again daily, and just to let curiousity guide my actions rather than any other external pressures or expectations.
Thinking about ice. Cold as the absence of heat - but the pain of the cold being real and present. It hurts, but it's numb.
It's like it is not really there but still, where the numbness is feels so wrong that it hurts.
I have bouts of such intense panic that I genuinely do not remember where I am or if I am real. All I want is to not feel so scared anymore.